Back to basics 

Back to basics 

Yesterday I wrote about how the last couple of months have been pretty grim. I’ve been functioning day to day, but barely, and have found myself plagued by intrusive thoughts and occasional ‘suicidal ideation’ as the shrinks would call it. Scary stuff when you’re a stay at home mum to two small children.

But, oddly, the return of such terrifying thoughts has been enough of a kick up the arse to get me to take my mental health seriously again. So today I’m going to share a few of the ways I’ve gone back to basics with self care and it seems to be (s…l…o…w…l…y) helping to lift the cloud.

  1. I visited my GP. I didn’t tell him about my suicidal thoughts. This was probably a mistake, but I didn’t feel strong enough (I’d never met him before for one thing). I have a therapist I see regularly who is aware of them, so I’m not trying to deal with them alone. Instead I talked to him about the physical symptoms I’m experiencing. My weight has plummeted leaving me with an ‘underweight’ BMI for the first time in my life, and while I do struggle to eat in a balanced way, I don’t feel the weight loss is warranted. I’ve previously had thyroid problems, which can cause mental health symptoms like anxiety. Malnutrition, more specifically certain mineral and vitamin deficiencies, can also completely mess with your mind. So I wanted to be sure that I wasn’t trying to battle my mental health alone when actually, there might be a physical cause and hopefully, solution. I’ve a blood test booked and should know more in a week or two.
  2. I let people in. When I feel really low I just want to hide. I feel ashamed of my feelings, and don’t want comforting or sympathy. But that just compounds the problem, and drives me further into my own head. So I’ve made a considered effort to accept invitations and reconnect with friends and family. Small things like a long walk and trip to the pub with my dad, a visit from my godmother, a play date with my best friend and her children. And I’ve talked about how I’m feeling, and received kind words and advice (useful or otherwise, it was well meant). And I’ve listened to how they are, and connected with something outside of myself.
  3. Planned my days. This is so important for me, especially on those days where my eldest isn’t at nursery and I’m alone with the kids all day (my partner works 12 hour shifts and leaves before the girls are up and gets home after they’re in bed). I write down a schedule for the next day each evening. I don’t have times, just an order of play. I stick it to the kitchen cupboard and me and my eldest discuss it over dinner, and I take ideas from her (would she like to do some painting? Baking? Exploring?). Then the next day I know where I am and so does she. It helps me to avoid getting stuck in a mind-trap of ‘Oh my god there’s so much to do I don’t know where to start’ which so often leads me to feel useless and overwhelmed. And avoids her being stuck in front of the TV for hours because she knows that there are other fun activities planned.
  4. Simplify my culinary expectations. As you’ll know if you’ve read my blog previously, I have a particularly shitty phobia (cibophobia) which makes cooking and eating really stressful and difficult. I know I’ve got to eat, I really want to eat, and I really enjoy cooking when I’m well. But when I’m unwell, like now, I invariably freak out while cooking and more often than not don’t end up eating what I’ve prepared. This is costly and depressing. I realised that far too often I expect too much of myself and decide that I will try to cook like I used to (complicated recipes with lots of ingredients). This leaves me wide open to being blindsided by insidious doubts. So I found a few cookery books with bare-bones recipes, using very few ingredients (sometimes as few as three!) and have been cooking exclusively from these.   It’s really made a difference and the food has been surprisingly delicious! And I’ve tried to keep my fridge full of good snacking food I can grab when I notice my blood sugar dipping.
  5. I claimed my benefits entitlements. Money is very tight. My partner works 30plus hours a week, and has just begun a higher education course in the hopes of progressing his career. I was feeling intense pressure to find work (I was made redundant just before the birth of my second daughter) although I’d no idea where I could find local work that paid enough to offset childcare costs. I was so exhausted (am exhausted) and just couldn’t imagine having the energy to work on top of everything else I’m doing (or failing to do) right now. My therapist told me straight: ‘You are ill, you shouldn’t be trying to find a job right now, you should be convalescing’. So I bit the bullet and put in a claim for ESA. Hopefully it will start coming through in a few weeks and just take a bit of the pressure off while I continue to focus on getting on a more even keel.

Just writing this post this morning has helped to remind me to keep all this up, that such simple steps have made a big difference almost overnight. I still feel like crap – but slightly more hopeful crap.

It’s been a while

It’s been a while

I’m not entirely sure where the last couple of months have gone.

I’ve made it through day to day, certainly. Managed to make therapy appointments, pick up my daughter from nursery, take the baby for check ups, the odd driving lesson, even to make it through a five hour long hairdressers session for a radical cut and colour (short and pink!). But I’ve skipped meals, thought dark thoughts, mentally planned escapes, forgotten conversations and even missed the wedding of a dear friend because I’ve been, well, ill is the only way I can describe. Ill or mad. Take your pick.

One positive to the weeks of fairly relentless shittiness has been that I am now more clear in my mind about what my triggers are. I imagine that they are not uncommon; I have to remind myself that even the most mentally robust would begin to unravel under their pressure. 

  • If my sleep is more disrupted than usual (and my youngest still wakes less than four times a night).
  • If I skip a meal. Just three or four hours without anything to eat is enough for my mood to crash and my anxiety rise.
  • If I spend a day inside. My mood lifts as soon as I step outside the house even if there’s freezing drizzle.
  • If I get trapped on the internet.
  • If I don’t take the time in talking to those closest to me, especially my partner.
  • If I don’t have a plan.

There have been days over the last few weeks where I have been so exhausted, so utterly ashamed of myself and what I perceive as my inability to be the kind of parent and partner I think I should be, so despondent about the future and the world that I have considered walking into traffic. For those moments (and thankfully they have only been moments) I am convinced that my no longer existing would be the best thing in the circumstances. Surely my daughters deserve better than I can give them? Aren’t they young enough that by removing myself it might mitigate any damage I must have caused them? Writing this down I can see just how horrible this way of thinking is. How defeatist. How completely nonsensical it is. But on the plus side – having these thoughts pop up has frightened me into taking my mental health more seriously again. Self care is an absolute necessity – I WANT to be around for my girls and I WANT the chance to do better. That requires me putting myself first for a change.

I’ve decided to go back to basics. I’d been trying to run before I could walk and every time I stumbled I felt more and more crushed. 

Tomorrow I’ll outline how I’ve paired down my day to day life in order to actually achieve more. I hope that maybe other people might find it useful. It’s still very much early days, a work in progress, but the experiment seems to be working. And now I’m off for an afternoon nap.